China Blames Western Imperialism for Bringing the World to the Brink, Peacefully Conquers Taiwan

Credit: Xinhua

By Logan Spurrier ‘22

In a recently released military report, the Pentagon outlined the growing size and capabilities of the People’s Republic of China’s Military. This report included outlines on the advancement made by China in the nuclear warhead field, where the country has been restricted on further development.

Minister of Foreign Affairs, Wang Yi, held a press meeting in response to the Pentagon’s report.

Yi started off by stating, “This serves nothing but to continue slander towards the HEROIC and INNOCENT Chinese nation.” He later denied the legitimacy of the report and placed blame on the Western nations.

“War and Violence plague our world. And it is all the fault of the dirty dogs to the West! Every day, the Western Imperialist continue to breed hatred and killings beneath their jackboots; with violent and aggressive acts like this!” he exclaimed.

In other news,

Xi Jinping, leader of China, publicly announced the successful reunification of China with the former nation of Taiwan. The reunification came after a claimed “unanimous vote” in which Taiwan agreed to reunify with mainland China. Many people (everyone not within the Chinese government) were shocked at this result, as Taiwan has historically struggled to maintain independence from China.

Chinese sources suggest that the process was “largely unopposed,” with only 250,000 Taiwanese soldiers killed. This is in addition to the 5 million Taiwanese civilian casualties during the entire ordeal. The Chinese Military reports that not a single Chinese soldier was killed or wounded.

Xi Jinping has publicly denied rumors suggesting the “reunification” was conducted via military invasion.

“I have asked my most trusted generals if they have conducted any Chinese military actions recently, to which they all denied any such occurrence.”

He offered no comments when ask where the casualties came from.

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